First Order One Shots
by MysteryWriter2187
Summary: Chronicling the "ordinary" lives of Kylo Ren and his First Order allies. Inspired by Rackaracka's Ronald McDonald videos. It's probably awful, but I'd like to hear some feedback nonetheless.
1. Kylo Ren Tastes The Light Side

Kylo Ren sat in the center of the table. On his right side was Captain Phasma, and on his left side was General Hux. Some Stormtroopers came in and set down three tubs. Kylo and Phasma removed their helmets, before Kylo put a black baseball cap on his head. The cap featured the red logo of the First Order, and read the words _Dark Side For Life_ on the front.

A Stormtrooper stood in front of them, holding up a video camera as another, the director, held a black clapperboard that read KYLO REN TASTES THE LIGHT SIDE on the front. A large audience of Stormtroopers sat in rows behind the camera, as the director said "okay. Camera's rolling. 3...2... and action!"

As the camera began filming, Kylo cleared his throat and made a W sign with his fingers, before stoically saying "yo. What is above."

The Stormtroopers in the audience cheered, saying "whoo! We love you, Kylo!" and "have my children!". One Stormtrooper said "you're a Darth Vader ripoff!" before being shot by one of the riot control troopers.

Kylo continued with "accompanying me today is Captain Phasma."

Phasma waved silently as the Stormtroopers cheered and wolf-whistled for her, before Kylo said "and General Hux."

Hux waved as well, before the Stormtroopers began shouting "boo! We want Peter Cushing back! You suck!"

Kylo and Phasma tried to hold in laughter as Hux scowled at them, before continuing with "now, a lot of you have been asking me questions about this Light Side by these... Ample Hills. I've read through all of your comments, and I've decided... I'm going to give it a try."

The Stormtroopers lifted the lids off of the tubs, revealing white ice cream, before passing Kylo, Hux and Phasma silver spoons.

They each took a spoonful and tried it, before Kylo spat out the content as dramatically as he could, staining the floor in front of them. Phasma followed his example, turning her head and spitting on one of the Stormtroopers. Hux spat the ice cream onto the floor as well, before Kylo took another spoonful, and spat it out again. He took another spoonful, before turning his head and spitting it at Hux's face. Kylo took another spoonful and spat it at Phasma, hitting her square in the face with it.

As Phasma wiped her face with the back of her hand, Kylo looked at the tub and said "what the Force is this!" before turning it upside down and slamming it on the table. The contents inside exploded from the sides of the tub, splattering across the table and all three of them.

Kylo picked up his helmet and cleaned some of the ice cream from it, before Phasma clutched some in her hand and splattered it on his head. Kylo looked at her as the ice cream fell down his face. He smiled at her falsely, before using the force to lift her tub and hover it over her head.

They all sat silently for a few moments, before Kylo swung his hand, causing the tub to be crushed over Hux's head. Phasma and Kylo laughed heartily as Kylo put his hand over Phasma's shoulder, saying "you should have known I wouldn't do that to you."

"Ha ha, forgive me sir." Phasma laughed, before seeing Hux prepare to throw his tub at Kylo. Phasma shouted "watch out!" as she pushed Kylo out of the way and took the blow, causing her chromium armor to be splattered with white ice cream.

Hux laughed as Phasma looked at her armor, before Kylo used his creamed hand to slap Hux across the face. Phasma took some of the ice cream off of her armor and threw some of it at Hux. A food fight then broke out between the three, as the Stormtroopers cheered for whomever they wanted to win(though the vote was only between Kylo and Phasma).

As Kylo and Phasma continued pelting the defenseless Hux with ice cream, Hux eventually got a handful and threw it at Kylo. As the ice cream hit Kylo in the face, he lost his balance and fell over, landing hard on Hux's overturned chair. He screamed a high-pitched "AAAHHH-HOOOWWW! OH, DAMMIT!"

Hux and Phasma went to help Kylo, before he threw them off and said "oh, GET OFF, IT HURTS! I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN RIGHT NOW! IT'S A DEEP, THRIVING, STINGING PAIN!"

"I'm sorry." Hux said, a tone of panic in his voice, before Kylo answered "YOU'LL BE SORRY! YOU STUPID JERK! NEXT TIME I WON'T FORGET MY LIGHTSABER!"

Phasma sat Kylo down on his chair before cleaning the ice cream from his head and helmet. She offered the helmet to him, before he said "thank you. I'm feeling better now."

As he put the helmet on, he suddenly said "okay, I've got an idea. Come here, it's secret."

Hux and Phasma leaned in to hear, before Kylo whispered(though the voice changer in his helmet made this unnecessary) "let's go to this Ample Hills... and we'll tell them what we thought of their food."

They cleaned themselves up and got into a customized three-seat TIE fighter. Kylo sat in the driver's seat and said "hold on! WHOO!"

Phasma screamed as she said "this is amazing! HA HA HA HA!" before taking off her torso armor and exposing her breasts. She shouted "I love you Kylo! I want to have your children!"

Kylo and Hux looked at each other awkwardly, before Kylo said "yeah, she's just on sugar rush, don't worry." before they averted their eyes from Phasma's display(though Kylo kept the camera pointed at her secretly).

Eventually, they arrived at the Ample Hills Ice Cream Restaurant. Phasma passed out when they landed as Kylo stepped out and ran towards the counter. Kylo said to the woman at the counter "we've tasted your light side, and I have to say... it was disgusting! HA HA HA HA!" before running out of the restaurant and back to the TIE fighter.

Kylo high-fived Hux as Phasma woke up and looked, seeing a familiar person in the restaurant.

"I was good wasn't I?" Kylo said "tell me you were filming that!"

Hux looked where Phasma was looking and saw the person. "Is that one of our Stormtroopers?"

Kylo turned to see the Stormtrooper leaving the restaurant, eating some of the Light Side with his helmet removed.

Phasma said "that's FN-2187. That traitor!" as she stormed out of the TIE fighter, still not wearing either her helmet or top, and ran cursing toward the Stormtrooper.

"YOU!" she shouted. "What are you doing?"

"Is that Captain Phasma?" the Stormtrooper said, trying to keep his eyes at Phasma's face as she said "you're with the Light Side now?"

"I'm sorry, sir."

"You're sorry? Oh, of all things! And who told you to remove that helmet!" Phasma ranted as she paced back and forth furiously. As she ranted at FN-2187, Kylo and Hux tried to calm her down."

"Calm yourself, Phasma." Hux said. "It's only food. It's not like h-"

"NO! YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!" Kylo said, before turning to FN-2187 "why are you eating that disgusting Light Side anyway?!"

"The Light Side is better, okay. It always has been."

Kylo was shocked by this, turning away miserably and walking back to the TIE fighter. Suddenly, he turned around and charged FN-2187, grabbing his lightsaber and swinging it violently. Eventually, several security guards from the restaurant ran out to restrain Phasma and Kylo as they tried to attack the Stormtrooper, who ran away as fast as he could.


	2. The AMS Ice Bucket Challenge

"Sir. May I speak to you for a moment." Phasma said as she knocked on the door to Kylo's chamber. Kylo opened it, saying "what is it? Are they wanting a sequel to that terrible taste test or something?"

"No, sir. Well, yes, but that's not why I am here." Phasma said as she passed him a small pamphlet.

"It seems a new craze is sweeping the Galaxy, sir. The AMS charity has set up a challenge to raise funds for combating Alum Mineral Sickness."

"Challenge? What sort of challenge?"

"They call it The Ice Bucket Challenge sir. You pour a bucket of freezing water over your head and nominate others to do it."

Kylo removed his helmet, a grin on his face as he said "perhaps the galaxy would be more willing to bend to our will if we were to do them a favor."

"What sort of favor, sir?"

"I need you to go to the records and bring me the old senate address files."

* * *

 _"Ya-hoo. Missa Jar-Jar Binks. Missa've been nominat for da AMS ice bucket challenge!"_ Jar-Jar said as he talked to the camera. He entered the large studio, where a chair was placed next to two buckets.

Behind the buckets were two people, wearing Gungan masks. _"Here is missa assistants. Mooey Mooey, I love you, assistants!"_

The two stayed silent, one looking at the other as they both nodded. Jar-Jar sat down, saying _"okee-day, let's doin dis!"_

The taller assistant picked up the first bucket and threw it over Jar-Jar's head, the Gungan choking as dark liquid poured down his face. _"Aagh! Is da rhydonium?"_

"Rhydonium? I don't know what you're talking about." Kylo said as he and Phasma removed their disguises. Kylo grabbed his lightsaber, quickly pressing the button repetitively until it crackled on. "Did you definitely say rhydonium? Because I don't know why that would be."

 _"Da's rhydonium alright!"_ Jar-Jar said before Kylo slashed him across the stomach with the lightsaber. The hot blade ignited the fuel on Jar-Jar's body, setting him alight from head to toe.

 _"Aah! Agh! Oh biiig one! Getin da water! Getin da water! Missa skin! Isa peel! Help missa!"_

"Sir, the water!" Phasma yelled. Kylo said "oh right. Almost forgot!"

Kylo grabbed the bucket of freezing water and ran up to Jar Jar. When he realized where he was, he quickly turned back and lifted the water over Phasma's head, drenching her with it as she screamed in shock.

"AAAAAGGGGHHH! That's freezing!" Phasma yelled, before Kylo moved her closer to Jar-Jar's burning corpse for warmth.

Both Kylo and Phasma laughed as she stood shivering, her hair over her eyes as she said "I-I-I-I'd like to n-n-n-n-nominate... Poe Dameron, S-s-supreme Leader Snoke and Stormtrooper f-f-FN-2187!"

"Oh crap. It's the security!" Kylo said as the armed Gungans entered, he and Phasma running out of the studio as Phasma grabbed the camera.

Phasma said to the camera "now, I'm technically not allowed to donate to the AMS funds, because they don't support the First Order. But what I will be doing is donating to General Hux's Stormtrooper Training Program!"

Kylo and Phasma were both tackled by the security guards, struggling as they were pressed against a wall.


	3. Traitors

"Good evening, viewing audience. My name is FN-2199. Welcome to _Traitors_."

Phasma sat in the chair as the camera focused on her. FN-2199 said "our next guest, Captain Phasma, suspects that Stormtrooper FN-2187 has joined the Resistance. Phasma, what brought these suspicions to your mind?"

"Well, it all started when FN-2187 didn't fire his blaster. He was sent to reconditioning but that was the last I saw of him."

"Have these suspicions been frustrating for you?"

"Well, sort of. I haven't been sleeping or eating in a while. But it's not just because of that. I have my own problems. My boyfriend and I haven't done much in a while. He's going through so much daddy issues at the moment that sometimes it's like I don't exist. It seems he spends most of his time playing with himself."

* * *

 ** _Flashback_**

 _Kylo held the Star Destroyer playset, pointing it at the small rebel base he had made and saying "PEW! PEW! PEW! Take that Rebels! You're no match for the Dark Side!"_

 _He grabbed his action figure, saying "I will finish what Darth Vader started!"_

 _Phasma yawned as she stood in the bedroom doorway. "Ren, darling. I'm ready for bed. And it's Thursday night. Are you coming or not?"_

 _"Aw, can't I have five more minutes?"_

 _"You said that four-and-a-half hours ago."_

* * *

"My team have something to show you, Phasma." FN-2199 said as they rolled the camera.

"Oh, there's FN-2187." Phasma said as she watched the video.

 _"Ren wants the prisoner."_

"Do you know that prisoner?" FN-2199 asked.

"Yes. That's Poe Dameron. Resistance Pilot. He escaped from us somehow."

 _"Turn here."_

"What's he doing?"

 _"Listen carefully. Do exactly as I say and I can get you out of here."_

"Out of here? Wait, is he..."

 _"What?"_

 _"This is a rescue. I'm helping you escape."_

"Why that traitorous, son of a Gungan!" Phasma said as she blasted the tape with her weapon. She smashed the screen to pieces with her fists. "Why, when I get my hands on him! I'll wring his scrawny neck!"

"Phasma, please calm down. Remember you're on camera."

"Yes. I'm sorry. I just... got a little carried away."

"We believe that we've located FN-2187. He's in a cafe on Takodana. We believe he's with Dameron and a young woman."

"Oh of course he is."

* * *

 ** _In a cafe on Takodana..._**

"I gotta say. This was delicious. We should really come here more often." Poe said as he wiped his face on the napkin.

"I agree." Rey said, before Finn added "I gotta admit this is much better than the First Order."

"You are unbelievable, you know that?" Phasma snapped as she and FN-2199 stormed into the restaurant, several Stormtroopers carrying the cameras to film the scene.

"Captain Phasma? What are you doing here?"

"We should ask you the same thing, traitor!" FN-2199 scolded.

"I'm just with some friends?"

"Oh, friends, huh? Some generic pilot and a desert skank. Good taste." Phasma said. Rey stood up, saying "desert skank!? Who do you think you're..."

"Rey, please. Just sit down."

"No, Finn! She can either take that back or she can take a punch to the face!"

"Oh please. Could a dwarf like you even reach that high?"

"Well, you know what they say. When a tree's blocking your path, you chop it down."

"When has anyone _ever_ said that?" Poe asked.

"Oh, what a surprise. Skanky and stupid. What a shock." Phasma said.

"That's it. I've had enough. Take off that helmet, bitch. We'll settle this right now!" Rey said as she tried to stand up, Finn restraining her as Phasma said "go on. Let her go. Can't wait to see how easily I'll floor her."

"Hey! You guys need to leave. You're disturbing everyone else!" Maz yelled. FN-2199 took Phasma's arm, saying "come on."

"Alright. We're going! Have a nice life, nerf-herders!" Phasma snapped as she was taken away. FN-2199 said "easy, Captain. You're better off without him anyway."

"I'm fine. Really. I just thought he had better taste."

"Okay. That's it." Rey said as she stood up. Finn said "Rey, what are you doing?" as Rey ran at a fast pace saying "hey, Iron Man!"

"Holy Han Solo!" FN-2199 said as Rey drop-kicked Phasma, knocking them both to the ground. Finn and Poe both got up, trying to drag Rey off Phasma as she hammered her fists down on her.

"Rey. Come on. It's not worth it." Finn said as Rey said "yeah. You better stay off Jakku, Chrome-head. I'll kick your ass!"

"And you stay off Starkiller Base!" Phasma snapped back before being dragged away by Stormtroopers. FN-2199 said "come on, dude. Just turn off the damn camera. Show's over."


	4. Family Reunion

_Many years ago..._

A young blonde girl watched in amazement as her grandfather showed them his old blaster.

"You see, Phasma. One day, I want to give you this."

"Will you really, grandpa?"

"Yes. This blaster should be passed down from generation to generation."

* * *

 _Present day..._

Phasma rang the doorbell as she and Ben stood outside. Ben took off his helmet, saying "wow. I can't actually believe I'm gonna meet your family for the first time. I'm getting pretty nervous."

"Ben, please don't do anything embarrassing. Please. This isn't about us, it's a serious affair. My grandmother is very ill." Phasma said. There was an uncomfortable tone to her voice, as Ben could tell she didn't want to be there.

Suddenly, the door opened and two men came out. They were both tall and had blonde hair, wearing chrome-colored clothing.

"Hello, Castor. Hello, Befin." Phasma said reluctantly. "She's here, Aunt Theemin!" Castor yelled as they went in the house. Ben was surprised at how similar in appearance all of Phasma's relatives looked. They all wore chrome and had blonde hair, but Phasma was the only woman there to be close to her male relatives in height.

Phasma and her family sighed in unison. Suddenly, a young boy ran out, saying "Auntie Phasma!"

"Oh hello... child." Phasma said as the boy hugged her legs. She said "okay. I don't remember your name so JUST GET OFF!" as the boy ran back to his mother.

"Right. Now I remember." Phasma said. "Ben. That was my little nephew, Bugeef. My Uncle Pulch. His ex-wife, Corurm. His other ex-wife, Dossay. His new wife, Mingso. My cousins, Castor, Befin and Fret. My sister, Yatiom. And her daughters, Inulon, Lesath and Tejat. My adopted sister, Sargas."

"Hi Phasma." Sargas said. She wore a body-hugging red one-piece unitard with a cleavage window, and she had a death stick in her mouth.

"Hello, Sargas. That's my brother in law, Hagof. My Aunt Theemin. Her two BB-Units, BB-562 and BB-563. So yeah. Everyone, this is my boyfriend and coworker, Kylo Ren."

Ben waved to the family, smiling weakly as he sat down nervously with Phasma.

"You brought your lover to a mourning ceremony?" Theemin coughed as she held BB-562 close to her.

"Well, Kylo's never met you lot before, so I thought it'd be a good opportunity."

"Of course he hasn't. We haven't heard from you in years!" Yatiom snapped, before Befin began laughing.

"You know it's funny, Phasma."

"What is?"

"Last I heard you were thrown down the trash compactor of Starkiller Base."

"Oh good. It did get out." Phasma said sarcastically as Befin continued to wheeze with laughter. Theemin said "you're a disgrace to our family. You useless nerf-herder!"

The family began jeering and hissing at Phasma, who simply sighed and lay back. A nurse entered, prompting the family to silence. "I'm really sorry guys but... she's not gonna make it through the night."

As the family wailed for ages, the nurse said to Phasma "you might want to go in and say your goodbyes now."

* * *

Phasma was led by the nurse into the bedroom, clutching her nose in disgust as her grandmother groaned in bed. "I've... let... loose."

"Oh my goodness. I'll have this cleaned up in a jiffy." the nurse said. As she was done cleaning, Phasma slumped into the chair next to her ailing grandparent's bed. She removed her helmet, pulling a fake smile across her face as she said "Hello, Grandma."

Her grandmother breathed slowly through her ventilator, saying " _(wheeze)_ I haven't seen you in years, Phasma... _(wheeze)_ years."

"I know, I know." Phasma said sadly as she gently took her grandmother's hand. "I feel absolutely awful that I haven't been her for you in your last moments of nee..."

"Cut the crap, you chrome-covered dyke! I know why you're here!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Ben sat in the living room, as Sargas said "are you part of the Empire?"

"Well, not exactly. First Order."

"Cool." Sargas said. Suddenly, Castor said "are you a guy?"

"What? Uh, yes... I'm pretty sure I am." Ben said awkwardly. He stretched his arm over his head as he stood up and said "well... it's been fun but I think it's time me and Phasma were going... so bye, Phasma's family..."

As Ben left the room, he quietly said "and I hope I never see you again..."

* * *

Ben entered the bedroom, saying "Phasma, honey, I know you love your family and all, but I don't suggest coming here aga... who's this?"

He saw Phasma with her grandmother, Phasma struggling to keep smiling as she said "Grandpa said that he wanted to pass down the blaster from generation to generation."

"I'm not giving you a shred of it."

Phasma dropped her smile, saying through gritted teeth "the blaster was Grandpa's!"

"I couldn't care less about that old fart."

"And he wanted _me_ to have it!"

"Why? So you could throw it in the trash of Starkiller Base?"

"You know, you're really starting to push me off the edge, Grandma!"

"I'm not giving you anything but the back of my hand." her grandmother spat.

"That's it!" Phasma said as she twisted back the old woman's hand. A loud _crack!_ was heard as her grandmother screamed. "Phasma! Stop!" Ben said as he struggled to pull her away, Phasma continuing to beat her ailing grandparent over the head.

"Where's the blaster! Huh? Where is it!" Phasma ordered as she furiously attacked her grandmother. Ben struggled to pull her away, before Phasma's grandmother said "I... gave it... to the nurse!"

Ben said "the nurse is upstairs. She must have it, Phasma."

"Fine." Phasma said as she released her grandmother, saying "now lay there and die, you geriatric hag!"

* * *

The nurse sat upstairs, brandishing her new blaster, as a voice said "nursey!"

She turned to aim the blaster at the door, where Phasma and Ben sat waiting. Phasma said through gritted teeth _"that doesn't belong to you!"_

* * *

 _PEW! PEW! PEW!_

The family looked to the ceiling as they heard blaster noises, followed by the _WHOOSH!_ of a lightsaber, which was then followed by the _THUMP!_ of a body hitting the floor. They then watched the staircase, as Phasma and Ben walked down the stairs. In her hands, she held the old blaster.

Castor said "hey Phasma. You and your girlfriend going already? Ha ha ha!"

Phasma laughed as well, saying "you know cousin. I'm glad you have such a sense of humor. Otherwise, I'd have no reason to do this!"

Phasma aimed and fired, Castor groaning as he clutched his shoulder and fell back. Phasma said "anyone else?!"

The family stayed silent, as Phasma said "go on, then! Anything else? Anyone wanna talk about my career? My boyfriend? My inability to resist being thrown in a garbage chute? I don't care what you think! Because it's my life, and if you don't want to be involved, that's fine! Cause you're not welcome! Come on Ben. Let's go!"

As they left the house, Phasma said "I gotta say Phasma, that was amazing meeting your family."

"Really?"

"Yes. Sure, I don't want to see them again, but they're fine."

"Great. I'm glad you think that, Ben. Besides, at least now I have a new blaster. And now there'll always be a good side from my family with me." Phasma said as she placed her grandfather's blaster in her holster.

As they entered the ship and flew back to Starkiller, Phasma rested her head on Ben's shoulder, saying "so darling. What do we do next weekend?"

"Oh, I think it's time you met my pa... oh..."


End file.
